Summary: A REALLY Lost Episode
Word Count: 4000
Stubby Smith and Duffy Duff
This was one of those episodes that came along every once in a while that focused more on the guest stars and didn’t have enough screen time for the Cartwrights.
*****
Adam Cartwright was heading back to the Ponderosa after a long trip to visit one of his father’s old friends from his sailing days, Trader Joe. It was only because of the long-term relationship between Ben Cartwright and Trader Joe that Adam was able to finesse a remarkable business deal. He had ordered a huge shipment of mango salsa and organic corn chips, bacon wrapped gorgonzola and wasabee croutons, and a key lime pie cheese cake for Hoss’ birthday party. By the time Adam departed, he had even convinced Trader Joe that he should open a Virginia City outlet.
Adam decisively told Trader Joe that “Hoss isn’t the only guy in Nevada Territory who eats a lot and is hankering for gourmet grub! Joe and Pa and even Hop Sing and all our unseen ranch hands love your products too. You have cattle men and miners and saloon girls who are too busy to cook and interested in tasty, healthy food. And despite our greatest efforts to show everyone in town how to get along with everyone no matter their race or religion or country of natural origin, there are some lactose intolerant people too who love your lactose-free coffee creamers.”
To conclude, Adam explained he had scoped out a potential location for a Trader Joe store. He had drawn up a map and a not-yet-invented power point explanation pinpointing the best location for Trader Joe’s store would be between the Virginia City Starbucks (where Adam’s girl friend Doomella Bleudress worked as a barista) and the Virginia City Victoria’s Secret (where Joe’s doomed girlfriend La-tushie Thong shopped quite frequently) and across the street from the International Hotel (where Hoss’ doomed girlfriend Marie Ott was the concierge).
Trader Joe couldn’t resist his not-yet-invented power point presentation on the potential earnings that a Trader Joe market could make in the expanding Virginia City area. He quickly agreed to the proposal and rewarded his handsome visitor with a fine dinner and a signed contract. The next day, Adam was tired and glad to be heading home with the contracts signed and neatly tucked away in his pocket.
There were four other passengers on the stage coach. The first two were from River City, Iowa. The friendly, well dressed husband told Adam that he was Professor Harold Hill, who sold musical instruments, and his lovely wife, Marian, the Librarian. “I just filled a big order for seventy six trombones so we are taking a first-class honeymoon.”
Adam and the other passengers were all quite impressed. His bride squeezed his hand affectionately.
“There were bells on the hill, but I didn’t hear them ringing, I didn’t hear them at all, until there was you, Marian,” Harold sang to his dear bride. She blushed and giggled coyly.
The Hills were on their honeymoon and headed to Vegas to see Cirque de Soleil and Celine Dion and to see the road company of “The Music Man” starring Wayne Newton, and Lady Ga Ga. Adam didn’t have the heart to tell them they were about a hundred and eight years too early and that the casting of Wayne Newton opposite Lady Ga Ga was disturbing.
The two other stage coach passengers were eager young men who were lifelong friends in Massillon, Ohio. The two, Stubby Smith and Duffy Duff, came west from the east to seek their fortunes. They both had always dreamed of becoming cowboys ever since they saw John Wayne, Hoppalong Cassidy, Roy Rogers and Gene Autry in the not-yet-invented movies and on not-yet-invented TV. When they arrived in Virginia City, Adam offered them jobs on the Ponderosa.
*****
The pair hired on as wranglers for spring round up on the Ponderosa, their dream job They had absolutely no gear or appropriate clothes for being cowboys and didn’t even have horses, so Ben Cartwright gave them an advance on their wages and lent them one of the Ponderosa horses.
“Thanks, Mr. Cartwright!” said Stubby.
“You made our dream come true!” added Duffy.
Despite being inexperienced cowboys or “green horns”, Stubby and Duffy worked hard and did a pretty good job. The first week of spring round up went pretty well except that Adam lost his favorite poetry book, “Cowboy Love Sonnets” by Festus Hagen, while he was out on the range.
The new cowhands were quickly worn out from all the physical labor that they were not used to doing. Their backs hurt. Their arms and legs hurt. Even their tonsils and dandruff hurt.
“You need to build up your muscles,” Little Joe suggested to the new hands.
“Eat more grub!” Hoss urged the pair. He passed them some of his Trader Joe goat cheese ravioli with broccoli rab. “Load up on the carbs!”
”That will build you up!” Adam agreed. The cowboys all loved the Trader Joe pulled pork on cibatta and tilapia citronette. “Save room for the desserts, boys! Lilly’s Chocolate BABKA sent all the way from Brooklyn, New York, by one of my admirers!”
Little Joe giggled. Adam had more women admiring him back east than anyone realized. “Go on, Pa. Tell us some didactic story about one of your life experiences that go to the heart of the matter before us.”
“Or at least the kidney.” Adam urged.
As Hoss served the desert, Ben continued with the story. He had a story for every occasion. Everyone had assumed they were all real experiences that Ben Cartwright had during his long life but Little Joe had discovered that wasn’t so when, years earlier, he read one of the stories his father had told in a back issue of “Reader’s Digest” in Doc Martin’s waiting room. He had never told anyone about Pa’s confabulations except Julia Bullette and Laura White, and the secret died with them.
The Cartwrights and the cowpokes ate supper around the chuck wagon savoring every bite and every word of Ben’s entertaining, but also educational, story.
Ben took a sip of his coffee and a small nibble of his babka. When he was a young man passing through Canada, Ben had learned how to make long-winded speeches while dining without letting his audience seeing chewed up food in his mouth or choking or spitting out crumbs on anyone. “My grandfather, Joseph Cartwright….”
“The one I was named for!” Little Joe declared, showing a mouthful of chewed dessert. He still hadn’t mastered the technique as he dribbled some crumbs out of the corner of his mouth.
Hoss spit on his napkin and wiped Little Joe’s chin.
“Thanks, Brother!” Joe grinned.
Adam rolled his eyes. “Pa, go on with the story.”
Ben nodded. “Granddad worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing,” Ben explained. He took a miniscule nibble on the babka and neatly washed it down with a swallow of coffee.
“One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could,” Ben continued.
Hoss helped himself to a couple of biscuits and more beans and fried potatoes and not yet invented Rice-A-Roni (the San Francisco Treat). He always liked to have seconds after a bit of dessert.
“Sounds like a good plan,” the two inexperienced cowboys agreed.
“After awhile, he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!” said Hoss. He dug into his medium rare tofu liggonberry burger. Hoss had learned to love liggonberry burgers from his Uncle Gunnar — and not that he was trying to lower his cholesterol — Hop Sing changed the pork to tofu.
“That’s pretty impressive,” Stubby said.
“Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks,” Ben finished the story.
*****
Three weeks later, Jigger Thurmond’s bull walked up to the cowhands carrying Adam’s lost poetry book in his bullish mouth.
Adam couldn’t believe his eyes. The huge bull had his missing book in his mouth. “Stay clear, boys! I don’t want to rile the bull.”
Adam cautiously approached the dangerous animal. He carefully took the precious book out of the bull’s mouth.
Duffy Duff raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“It sure is!” agreed Stubby. “This is something to write home about!”
“It sure is,” Adam agreed. They were all relieved that the bull didn’t get riled up and Adam got his poetry book back.
“Not really,” said the bull. “Adam Cartwright’s name is written right inside the cover.”
*****
The Cartwrights taught Duff and Stubby how to ride, and rope and brand and shoot as well as spit and pick their teeth with the point of a Bowie knife. Soon, Duff and Stubby were able to do ranch work on their own. A few weeks later, Duff and Stubby were riding the range looking for strays, fixing fences and singing songs about the lonesome prairie when they noticed a chicken running alongside their horses.
“Look!” declared Stubby. “A chicken!”
“Goldurn! That chicken is running as fast as my horse!” said Duff.
Then they saw another, and then a third. Then more chickens came down from the hills and ran as fast as their horses. Soon, there was a huge flock of racing chickens keeping pace with the two men on horses.
Stubby and Duff were both amazed to see the chickens keeping up with them because they were trotting along at a good pace. By this time, both of the greenhorn cowboys had become decent riders.
“Let’s see how fast these chickens can go!” yelled Stubby. “Follow me, Duff.” Then he kicked his heels into the sides of his horse and accelerated to a gallop. Duff did the same thing and the flock of chickens stayed right next to the men on horses and didn’t seem to be straining.
Stubby speeded up to the fastest his horse could go and Duff did the same. The chicken passed the two cowboys up. Then the Duff noticed the chickens all had three legs. “Them chickens have three legs, Stubby!”
They followed the flock of chicken down a road and ended up at the Ponderosa.
They got off their horses and saw that Ben Cartwright, owner of the Ponderosa, was sitting on the front porch working on the ledgers.
Stubby asked Ben Cartwright “Mr. Cartwright, sir, what’s up with these chickens?”
Ben said “Well, my son Adam is well educated. He studied at East University and learned a lot”
“He’s a mighty smart feller,” Duff agreed.
Stubby nodded. “If we hadn’t met Adam on the stage coach, we wouldn’t be working here.”
“Adam said we needed to diversify our holdings. We had lumber, mining and cattle and horses. So I asked my other sons to think of some ideas to diversify. Little Joe wanted to buy a race horse or open a saloon or a not-yet-invented disco. I didn’t like those ideas. Hoss pointed out that everybody likes chicken legs. So my boys bred a three legged bird. We are going to be millionaires.”
Then Duffy asked him how the amazing new breed of chickens tasted. “Are they good fried, Mr. Cartwright?”
Stubby’s mouth watered, “I sure love fried chicken”
Ben said, “Don’t know, we haven’t caught one yet.”
*****
After fall round up, Ben Cartwright paid each cowboy a bonus for doing a good job. “You are welcome to come back next spring again, boys. You did a fine job.”
With their bonus, Stubby and Duff each bought their own horse rather than using one of the Ponderosa horses. They enjoyed riding around and doing the things that cowboys do. The two young men worked very hard. As winter approached, they decided to leave the Ponderosa and move closer to town and work at the newly-opened Trader Joe store. When winter came, however, they did not want to pay to have their horses stabled for the winter.
Instead, the two inexperienced cowboys decided to release them into a fenced in pasture not far from town and retrieve them in the spring.
Stubby noticed a problem, however, and he asked Duff, “How will we know which horse is which when we pick them up when spring comes?”
Duff answered, “Well, I’ve been thinking about that, and I have the answer! We’ll cut the mane off of my horse and we’ll cut the tail off of yours. That way, we’ll know which horse belongs to you and which belongs to me.”
That seemed like a great plan, and so after the trimmings, the horses were released into the pasture. When spring came around, Stubby and Duff came to get their horses, only to discover that the mane and tail had grown back during the winter.
“Duff, since the mane and tail have grown back, how do we know which is yours and which is mine?” Stubby asked. “Maybe we should go out to the Ponderosa and ask the Cartwrights what to do?”
“We can figure this out ourselves, Duff. We don’t need to go bothering the Cartwrights about this,” Duff declared.
“Ok,” Stubby responded.
“Here’s what we’ll do. You’ll have to take the black horse and I’ll take the white one.”
*****
“Good thing Stubby and Duff found you lying there behind the jail house and brought you here, Roy. HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” Doc Martin asked Sheriff Coffee as he set the lawman’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, twenty-five years ago …”
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying…twenty-five years ago, when I first came out to Nevada Territory, before I became a lawman, I started working on a ranch near Carson City. That night, right after I’d gone to bed, the rancher’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She was really beautiful. Blonde hair. Violet eyes. Great figure. Lips like rubies. Well, she asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’
‘Are you sure?’ she asked.
‘I’m sure.’
‘Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’
‘I reckon not,'”
“Excuse me, Roy” said Hoss, “What does this story have to do with your broken leg?”
“Well, this morning when I was fixing the leak on the jail house roof,” the sheriff explained, “it dawned on me what she meant, and I fell off the roof!”
*****
Sadly, Roy’s leg was broken pretty badly and Doc Martin told Roy it would be months until he would be able to resume being the sheriff of Virginia City. So, with Roy laid up indefinitely, the mayor of Virginia City (played by either Wally Cox or Tom Bosley, depending on who got the last vote) asked Ben Cartwright to help him find a temporary replacement deputy sheriff until Roy was back.
Ben agreed to help on the condition that Roy helped pick the replacement.
The Mayor agreed. The interviews were scheduled but absolutely no one applied.
”You know, Mayor,” Ben Cartwright suggested. “Maybe one person is afraid to take on all this responsibility alone. I think we might need two people to do what Roy did.”
“How about two of your sons?” the mayor suggested.
“Absolutely not! I need all three of my sons at the Ponderosa for nauga round up. We have a big naugahyde contract to finish for the Laz-E-Boy Lounge Company and we are also helping Trader Joe with his new store.”
The Mayor agreed. The interviews began again interviewing pairs of deputy candidates. Still no one applied.
Finally Stubby and Duff came in.
“We better take these two,” the Mayor whispered. “No one else is applying.”
”Ok,” Ben agreed. “We better ask them some really easy questions to make sure they can answer them. Seeing as no one else came to apply, we have to hire them or have no lawman in Virginia City until Roy recovers.”
“We can always ask a couple of your sons to pitch in, Ben,” said the Mayor.
“Oh no! Not again!” Ben pleaded. “My medical insurance rates are skyrocketing! I can’t put in another claim for a shooting, stabbing or broken bone until after the first of the year. And the naugas and Trader Joe.”
”Ok! OK!” Roy agreed. “Hire them, whatever answer Duff and Stubby give. Ask them only easy questions.”
“OK,” the mayor said, “what is 1 and 1?”
“11” the cowboys replied in unison.
“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?” asked Ben. “Today?” said Stubby.
“… and tomorrow?” added Duff.
“Now the last one,” Roy asked.” Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
The cowboys both thought really hard and finally said, “We don’t know.”
Ben, the mayor and Roy looked at each other in desperation. They had to let the pair pass the test or be without a sheriff and that would be a disaster.
“Well, why don’t you go over to the Silver Dollar, have a beer, talk to the folks there and…and… and…” the mayor stammered
“Work on that?” the sheriff suggested hoping the two would ask someone and come back with the answer.
So, Duff and Stubby headed for the Silver Dollar.
“Great!” exclaimed Duff. “They already put us on a murder case!”
*****
Hearing that Roy Coffee was laid up with a broken leg, a notorious gunslinger Bald Bald Lee Roybrown, baldest man in the whole damn town, rode into Virginia City. He claimed that he had lost all his hair as a result of being scalped by Indian in Dakota Territory but the truth was he lost all his hair using a bottle of bad herbal shampoo that had turned toxic in the hot Nevada Sun. As the gunslinger sat on his horse, pondering whether he should immediately start shooting up the town or head for the saloon for a good drunk, the Duff and Stubby appeared.
The two new deputies looked the gunslinger over and Stubby said “I know who you are, Bald Bald, and I figger you’re up to no good. But before you start raisin’ a ruckus, look around. You see all them fuchsia circles on the buildings and trees?”
The gunslinger looked around. Sure enough, there are small circles everywhere in Virginia City painted with purple pink paint. And in the center of each circle is a small hole, big enough to put your finger in.
“That’s how we get our shootin’ practice” said Duff. “And the next week we trade places. Little Joe Cartwright taught us everything we know about shooting.”
Stubby said “I paint those little circles, then my partner rides through town and shoot at ’em.”
The gunslinger swallowed hard, realizing he couldn’t face a pair of men that could shoot that good. Joe Cartwright taught them really well. The gunslinger he wasn’t going to fool with the pair of new deputies.
Then Stubby said “So, stranger, if you wanna go to the saloon for a drink… go ahead, but after a couple drinks, you get outa town!”
The gunslinger nodded, and meekly headed for the saloon. Ordering a shot of redeye, he nervously mentions the Sheriff to the bartender, “That’s quite a pair you got for a deputies while Roy Coffee is laid up!”
The bartender looks at the gunslinger and shakes his head. “Naw, the two of them are lunatics! They were so nervous to take over for Sheriff Coffee that Stubby gets drunk every night and rides through town shootin’ holes in everything and raisin’ all kinds of hell! Then the next day Duff walks through town with a bucket of paint and puts a circle around all his bullet holes… They are crazy nervous wrecks!!”
*****
Meanwhile, Roy was having a terrible time dealing with being on crutches and Stubby and Duff doing his job until his leg healed.
So the Cartwrights decided a hobby with music might help Roy pass the time while his leg heeled. Ben went to San Francisco bought him a piano.
A few weeks later, Adam, who had been busy helping with the opening of the Trader Joe store and attending the funeral of his late girlfriend Doomella Bleudress who worked as a barista and was killed when the mochachino machine exploded, asked how Roy was doing with the piano.
“Oh,” said Little Joe, “Everyone in town persuaded Roy to switch to a trombone.”
“How come?” Adam asked.
“Well,” Hoss answered, “because with a trombone, he can’t sing….”
Soon after, everyone decided Roy should give up music.
For a change of scene, Ben invited Roy to stay out on the Ponderosa. To alleviate the sheriff’s boredom while everyone else was working or attending funerals of doomed girlfriends, Adam bought Roy a set of oil paints and canvas. The Cartwrights encouraged him to take up painting. He would sit all day on the porch and paint away. Roy loved painting and soon produced hundreds of colorful canvases.
”These are remarkable!” Ben said looking at Roy’s artistic skills.
“Who would have thought you had it in you to paint such beautiful pictures!” Hoss agreed.
“I have an old college friend, Peppy Le Pew, from Paris who was an exchange student in Back East U, who just opened up an art gallery and crepe stand right in Virginia City. I bet he would be glad to display them and try to sell them for you, Roy,” Adam offered.
“And you can make some money too!” Joe said. “And eat crepes!”
“Mmmmm!” smiled Ben, who loved crepes. He had once sailed into Paris and had a brief but passionate affair with a tall gal, Julia Carolyn McWilliams, who fed him crepes while they canoodled in her feather bed. She eventually married an acquaintance of Ben’s named Paul Child and they settled in Boston where Julia went on to fame and fortune for her crepes and other culinary treats.
Roy was delighted with the idea. Hoss and Joe bundled up a few dozen paintings and Adam brought them into town. The gallery was glad to display them.
Soon Roy’s leg mended and he moved back into town and resumed being the sheriff the following week. The first thing Roy did was have all the fuchsia circles all over town repainted in a manly brown and then go visit the art gallery.
Roy asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.
“I have good news and bad news, Sheriff,” the owner replied hesitantly.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all thirty two of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” Roy exclaimed. “Even the florals and the portrait of Cochise Cartwright?”
”Even the florals and the portrait of Cochise Cartwright. And the small oil of Hoss and Chubb bathing together.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman who inquired about your artwork was Doctor Paul Martin.”
The End
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