Summary: A REALLY Lost Episode
Word Count: 1100
This tale was inspired by a discussion by fanfic writers a while back regarding the logistics of taking baths on the Ponderosa and how the Cartwrights managed. Someone asked if there was a bathroom up stairs in the Ponderosa ranch house. Lynne said “They don’t, in my stories; I have them using the washhouse, next to the kitchen and the floor in there is slightly sloped and has a drain to take away the water.”
Someone else said, “Sounds far more accurate…especially in an all male household where there was no need for modesty or privacy. And I would imagine it was warmer downstairs in the kitchen or by the big fireplace.
That is why I could never believe when the Cartwrights were taking baths UPSTAIRS… They had to carry buckets and buckets of hot water up and buckets of yucky dirty water down.”
To which Puchi Ann remarked “Naw, you just dump the yucky water out the bedroom window. Look out below!”
Season One: The Last Trophy Bath Episode
The sun was setting and a cold wind was blowing from the mountains as Ben Cartwright rode into the yard. His Cattle Baron mind was preoccupied with Cattle Baron preoccupations. They still had to move that herd from the upper pasture before the snow fell and his old English friend Lord Marian/Marion Wimpy and his wife Lady Bea (the royal hoochie mama slut puppy) would be arriving for dinner and Ben still had to get cleaned up and unwrap that lead for Wimpy’s pencil that Doc Martin had given Ben.
“Someday, this Indian herbal potion will be marketed in spam mail on the internet,” Doc explained as he wrapped the leadening pills up for Ben.
Ben nodded. He and his sons never would need such herbal preparation for their pencils, their pens or any other things. All the Cartwrights were straight shooting manly men, adored by women and admired by men.
How was he going to discretely take Lord Wimpy aside and tell him about manly things? Maybe he would let Hoss do it….naaaaaaaa… Hoss would be too embarrassed… maybe Joe? Joe would giggle in that high pitched blue jay cackle and wiggle his …never mind. Ben would just borrow Adam’s college biology text…. Naaaaaaaa. Ben would just have Adam take that stodgy Lord Whimpy somewhere hunting and call it a day.
Why did all his house guests have all these personal problems all the time or have female relatives who went after his sons…or both? No wonder Ben’s hair was white.
Suddenly a tidal wave of dirty bath water rained down upon him.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!” Ben screamed as Buck reared up and tossed him in the manure pile.
“Sorry Pa!” Adam, (semi neked and wet and drippy) still holding the bucket called out of his bedroom window. “OOOooops!”
Season Six or Seven or Five: The Bathing Game Episode
Adam leaned over to give Laura Dayton a steamy kiss. They were sitting in the moonlight in what should have been a romantic clinch.
“Why Adam!” Laura whined. “I am not sure if we should be kissing you or anyone. I am too whiney to be romantic.”
Suddenly a wave of soapy water rained down on them from Will Cartwright’s upstairs bedroom.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Laura shrieked as her blue dress shriveled like her cold, cold heart and her pruney lips.
“Oops!” Will said as he wrapped himself in his black Zorro Cape. “Didn’t realize you were sitting there, Cuz!”
Season Six or Three or Five: The Wash Cloth Bath Episode
The wagonload of gals rode up to the Ponderosa Ranch house. The horse almost crashed into the painted back drop that Hop Sing had painted in the Virginia City Continuing Education Class. The Pastoral Pasture looked quite real and screened off the clothes line from visitors. It was far better for people to see a grassy meadow than the see the Cartwright boys’ long johns hanging on the clothes line flapping in the breeze.
The gals were from the “Girl’ Boarding School Back East” traveling washcloth diving team. Somehow they had lost their way between Nebraska and San Francisco and wound up really confused. Half of them died along the way. Half of them didn’t. The wagon was filled with the half that didn’t.
“We’ve got to stop here at this ranch house and ask directions,” said one blue-dressed gal to her blue-dressed companions.
“Tee hee!” they all giggled in unison. They were very attractive but had the brainpower of a frozen turkey.
Suddenly gallons of tepid dirty bath water rained down on their poofy blond heads. It took a few minutes for their turkey brains to process the fact that they were wet. “Oooooooooooh!” they squealed in soprano moronic surprise. “It is raining?”
They were usually too stupid to come out of the rain and that was how half of them had died along the journey. Like turkey chicks, they sat in the rain with their mouths open looking at the sky. Both the dumb girls and the turkey chicks drowned.
Suddenly a remarkably handsome, shirtless, (and maybe pants-less but the window frame blocked the view) green-eyed young cowboy looked out of the window. “Oops!” he said. “I didn’t mean to get you pretty gals wet!” He grinned impishly.
The girls all swooned and flopped on the ground like a wagon load of trout…who had more sense than these girls.
“You gals better get inside and take those wet dresses off and let me and my brothers dry you off and warm you up!” the handsome cowboy invited hospitably. Pa had raised his boys to be very hospitable.
“Tee heee tee heee!” the gals giggled.
Waves broke on Lake Tahoe.
Another season… maybe season 7 or 6? : Lucky Green Bathwater
Some green-suited bandits were sneaking into the house. They wanted their chest of gold. “Shhhhhhhhhhhhh…” shushed the guy to his gang. “Don‘t wake up the Cartwrights!”
Suddenly, Hoss poured his hot steamy bath water out of the window. It hit the men sneaking into the house and immediately shrunk them.
“Look!” Hoss gasped. “Teeny little men! Leprechauns! “
The rest is history.