Brady Bonanza (by Robin)

Summary:  A REALLY Lost Episode

Word Count:  4050

 

 

                                                Brady Bonanza

 

“Well Myrna…got to go. Zeb and Clem and I are tossing Farmer Clunk’s outhouse up on their barn roof!”

“Farmer Clunk? I tried to teach him to watch Bonanza! He is a Dumb Ass.”

“Did ya?” Mort said as he put his socks on. He had six toes and it was hard for him to get good fit in socks. He had found these in Wal-Mart when his wife went looking for those Bonanza DVDs.

“Sure did…I gave him a quick ‘Dumb Ass Guide to Bonanza’ for his last birthday.”

“What did it say?” Mort put on his work boots. Despite everything, he did love Myrna. They had been married since 1973…when Bonanza went off TV. She would tease him and say that she had finally given up waiting for Little Joe Cartwright to marry her when she accepted Mort‘s proposal.

“Well…the basics:

  1.  The Bad guys ALWAYS loose. The Cartwrights always win.
  2.  It takes 3 bad guys to beat up one Cartwright …and they always fight dirty and jump the Cartwright.
  3.  Everyone has Louis Vuitton Luggage.
  4. Fall in love with a Cartwright and die and/or leave town (with the above mentioned Louis Vuitton Luggage)
  5.  Have a Cartwright as the best man at your wedding and you are doomed.”

“Good start.. Well. I gotta go.” Mort nodded.

“Don’t ferget, you got to get up early shear them sheep tomorrow! And you need to pull out your nose hairs before the town meeting‘” Myrna called at Mort hitched up his overalls.

“Nag, nag, nag!” Mort muttered and walked out of the farm house. He jumped in his Chevy pickup. “Nag, nag, nag!” he shouted at the house. “Cain’t a man have a bit of fun?”

“Good! I’ll spend the night with Joe Cartwright” she called out of the window.

“See if I care, you old BIDDY!!” He hollered as he drove off. Gravel spit out of his spinning tires as Mort headed for his midnight rendezvous of out house tossing and cow tipping.

“Get lost, you hoople! I got my JOE!“ Myrna leaned over and reached under the bed. “Come here you little Darlin’! Hope them dust bunnies didn‘t tickle your hoo ha!”

She pulled a black rectangle out and popped the tape into the VCR and watched the map catch fire “OH Little Joe, you cute darlin’! Oh Adam! Oh Ben! Oh Hossie Wossie!”

The title of the Episode?

The Brady Bonanza…

Or as Myrna like to think of the show…The Cartwright Pajama Party !

 

*****

 

Ben tosses and turns in bed. He is having a bad, bad nightmare – far worse than Joe’s nightmare about the Dummy Joe flipping off Eagle’s Nest and plummeting to his dummy death on the paper mache rocks.

In the nightmare, instead of his own boys — manly cowboy Cartwrights of the Ponderosa — his sons were the smarmy Brady’s from the Nine Square B Ranch over in Anytown.

And they all needed hair cuts!

Ben had sold timber to Mr. Brady, a so-called architect who was building some sort of strange ranch house nearby. Despite the fact he was supposed to be a successful man, he had only built three bedrooms upstairs even though he had six “groovy children” and a female house keeper. And why did his children have grooves?

Ben could never understand. This was terribly suspicious to Cattle Baron Ben Cartwright. He only had three sons but had between four and forty-four bedrooms on the second floor of the Ponderosa Ranch house, depending on how many guests or injured people were around. Sometimes even Candy lived in the house or Ben’s nephew Zorro…err Will, and Jamie…but who wants to talk about Jamie?

And Hop Sing had an entire condominium complex in the left rear that occasionally was near the ever shifting bunk house.

And instead of grass or prairie or meadows or cow patties, the Brady House was surrounded by some strange bright green washable brushy grass. Adam told him it was called “Astro Turf” and had been invented in Texas, of all places.

Swirling in his nightmares were blurry special effect images of his own boys:

Joe looking like a mutant Bobby Brady, eyeing the smashed vase says “Pa always said not to play ball in the house!”

“Joseph Francis Cartwright! “Ben roared in his terrible, horrible nightmare. “How many times have I told you not to do that twirl and shoot and roll in the house?”

“Four thousand nine hundred and seventy five times? Maybe seventy six…But this time I hit the vase with a baseball, I didn’t shoot it!” Joe smiled. He winked at the camera and Myrna swooned. She loved how her Little Joe winked right at the camera.

“Oh my Darlin’ Joesie Woesie!” Myrna clutched her quilt to her bosom and watched the episode. Joe did that twirl shoot thing so cute.

“I suppose he has you there, Mistah Carlight!” grinned inscrutable Hop Alice. “Har har har!”

Then, Ben had a second nightmare with nightmarish music composed by David Rose and either Paul or Neil or Simple Simon. Ben moaned and groaned and tossed in his testosterone filled massive (like himself) Cattle Baron Boudoir. He was wearing that maroon velour robe with the pink satin lapels…

“How could the wardrobe people EVER have picked that for any man? Especially my BEN CARTWRIGHT.” Myrna shook her head. “Oh Bensie Wensie, I would never dress you in that sissy shmatah! It looks like something Eva Gabor would have worn on Green Acres or Zsa Zsa on her sixth honey moon. They should have put you in manly plaid flannel or a robe like Ward Cleaver wears.”

On TV, Ben turns over and the nightmare continues.

In this dream, Hoss moans and tearfully flings himself on the bed in the room he shares with his brothers. “Adam… Adam! Adam…it is always Adam!” he weeps into the pink ruffly pillow. “How can I, the middle Cartwright, even compare with perfect first born Adam!?!?” In his dream, Ben wraps his arms around Hoss and consoles him. Hoss presses his cheeks into Ben’s satin lapel.
“Son, you may not compare with his perfection, but you sure can out eat him..Why your big toe weighs more than Adam!” Ben pats Hoss on his wide shoulders and the boy smiles crookedly.

“REally, Pa?REEEEEEEEEeeeally?”

“Sure, son. I love you each in your own way.” Ben said Ben-likely.

“What a fella! What a Pa!” Myrna says aloud as her dog Nippy prances into the bedroom. Nippy, a white terrier loves Bonanza, especially Hoss, and leaps onto the bed with Myrna.”Bow WWWooow!”

The night mare-ish scenes continued…

“MY NOSE!!!” Perfect first-born Adam shrieks as he grabs his nose. The horseshoe that Roy Coffee flung hit him full in his face and smashed Adam’s pert nose on the afternoon of the big square dance…

“This was worse than a zit or being bushwhacked,” Myrna explains to Nippy as she fast forwards the tape through the commercials for Veteran’s Life Insurance, stupid episodes of “Doc”( Doc cures athlete foot by praying over the Special Olympics ) and geriatric pharmaceutical potions by mail or mall.

Four Horses ride out, the map burns, but this time, guest stars don’t stand near the corral or near a fake tree or even a real tree as they usually do. Some how they appear in a vaguely familiar tic-tac-toe pattern….

“Is this the Hollywood Squares? Where is Whoopee Goldberg? Or Paul Lynde?“ Myrna asks the pooch.

Nippy says “Woof.”  The episode begins… the simulated antique title glows on the screen “Brady Bonanza”

 

*****

 

Little Joe snickered as he made the fifth prank phone call of the evening on the not-yet-invented telephone. He had taken Pa’s green silk neckerchief and wadded it up over the mouth piece of the phone to disguise his voice.

“Helwo?” Cindy Brady lisped on the other end. She is in the Brady kitchen with the awful orange Formica.

“Is your not-yet-invented refrigerator running?” Joe asked. He elbowed Hoss who laughed hysterically.

“Yes…”

“Then go chase it!” Joe shouted and slammed down the phone. The brothers high five each other and dance a little Leprechaun-cha cha-jig and bump butts.

Adam had already filled his saddle bags with shaving cream and toilet paper. “Let’s hit leather, boys. The horses are waiting!”

“YaHOooe!” They all shout and gallop off. Pa is out of town signing a lucrative Naugahyde contract with the Laz-E- Boy Company.

Later, when the Cartwright brothers had returned from “TEE PEE”ing the Brady house and sprayed the Ponderosa brand on the sliding glass door of the Brady rumpus room, they called all the pizza delivery places and chicken delivery places in Virginia City to have food sent to the Brady house where the girls were having a pajama party. Out of respect for Hop Sing’s relatives, they didn’t call any of the Chinese take out places and disturb them. Besides Hop Sing threatened their manhood with his ginzu knife if they did. And those Cartwright boys and all their fans valued their manhoods.

“Hmmm….wonder if you could send prank telegrams in those days?” Myrna asks herself. Nippy has fallen asleep on Mort’s pillow. The pup looked far cuter than Mort and snored more melodically. She hoped Mort didn’t come home for a long, long time as she had four more tapes jammed under the bed. She could have her own Bonanza Extravaganza with Nippy by her side.

Reflecting on the concept of prank telegrams, Myrna decided it was probably too slow… it was better to tip over a cow or an out house…Like Mort was doing that night…

On television, Joe leaned back in Pa’s green leather desk chair and grabbed the phone to make another call.

“Let’s go pick up girls at the Virginia City dress shop. We can go in and say we got some raggedy pioneer orphan girl who was wearing boy’s clothes and we ain‘t got a clue on how to select lady’s underthings!” Adam suggested. He loved looking a lady’s underthings as did his brothers. Pa did too but he would never admit it. Sometimes Pa got sad and thinking of his dead wives if the boys brought the topic up.

“Or ride past someone’s house and shout “The Paiutes are coming, throw us your pretty daughters,” Joe suggested. Myrna chortled at that idea.

“I don’t know about that one, Little Joe. Last time they tossed Miss Abagail Jones at me,” Adam shook his head.

“We can call up pretty girls on the phone again and say silly things,” Joe suggested reaching for the phone on Pa’s Massive (like himself) desk.

“Wait Joe…it is MY turn!“ Hoss grabbed the receiver. They had a black rotary phone that was wired into the wall right near Pa’s desk. (Bonanza was an old show and took place in the past, hence the old phone instead of a cordless phone). Hoss was emboldened by their pranks. He spun the chair with the tip of his boot and flipped dizzy Joe out of the way with one hand. Adam leaned at a 45-degree angle on the Ponderosa safe.

Hoss dialed the Brady’s number and pretended he was Uncle Gunnar and spoke in a phony Swedish Mexican Accent.

“Helllooooo?” Hoss chortled.

“Brady Rethidunth!” Cindy lisped.

“Buenos Dias, Senorita,” Hoss said in Spanish-Swedish. “How is your farfenlunken? Oh Lay? Ikea and Taco Bell! Chevy Nova!”

“Your car doesn’t work?” Jan Brady had snatched the phone from moron Cindy and she understood Spanish. “Your Chevy No Vas?”

There was giggling at the other end. Joe and Adam crowded close to the phone. “Shove over lardass…” Adam elbowed Hoss.

“Helloooo?” another feminine voice came on the phone. “This is Marcia Brady! Is that you Hoss Cartwright?”

“Marcia?” Hoss stammered.

“Marcia!” Little Joe said excitedly clenching his lower cheeks and twirling his pistol.

“MARCIA!” Adam gasped darkly. “Oh baby!”

“Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” The brothers sighed in unison clutching the phone receiver as one man. This was groovy!

“Hoss Cartwright! I know it is you and your cowboy brothers! I hear you breathing heavy!” Marcia said blondely. “I just want you boys to know that I am having a PAJAMA Party with all my female classmates and you boys are not to come here and disrupt things… much. Only the prettiest girls will be here.” She slammed down the phone and smiled her pert vapid smile. “That should get those boys here in a jiff!” she told the giggling girls sitting on her flouncy pink bed with the Bobby Sherman poster hanging above it.

“Groovy!” They all giggled in unison imagining the three Cartwrights galloping over to the Brady house.

“Maybe some more cowboys will stampede over here too!” said one of the girls who was wearing a BLUE double knit mini dress.

“Now let’s make a groovy list of pajama party fun!” Jan, the orderly sister, said, grabbing a groovy purple pen with an ostrich feather on the end from her neat desk. She took out some loose leaf paper from her algebra note book and started to write as Marcia, the bossy sister, dictated more ideas like a dictator.

Cindy sat and dreamed of Hoss and drooled adorably as she twirled her bite plate on her pert pinky.

Marcia made the list… if she could get the Cartwright Brothers and even the Bonner Boys and Bill Enders and The Bag Heads to crash the party, how could Dad tell her not to have boys in the house? At least three or four of those fellows carried ropes on their saddles and could tie Mike Brady up in the garage for part of the evening…maybe even shoot him! Then he couldn’t tell her who to go out with or how late to come in or that her mini dress was too short!

“Jan! Write this down!” Marcia ordered like a blond Evita.

“Ok, Marcia.” Jan said like her the geek lacky she was.

“Games for the evening: Spin the bottle, Neked Twister?”

“Candy Land?” Cindy lisped. “Hoss loves Queen Frostine.”

“Seven Minutes of Heaven/Hell?” suggested Connie McKee as she watched Bob Barker in “The Price is Right “Maybe we should call Ross Marquette and have him be the hell part.”

“Phony Phone Calls on not-yet-invented phones!” suggested doomed Amy Bishop as she nibbled on the shish kebab.

“Ghost stories…the girls get scared and the boys have to hug scared girls!” Jan Brady said. “Maybe Mark Twain is in Virginia City!”

“Twirl and shoot wif Little Joe Cartwright! He is sooooooooooo cute!” Cindy giggled and all the other girls squealed and twirled like manic cheerleader pom-poms.

“Hide the cap gun in the muff!” Calamity Jane added.

“Any others?” Jan asked as she wrote neatly.

“Lassoo Mike Brady!” Marcia smirked. He was not even her real father..her real father looked like Griff King and Ben Cartwright had been the best man at her parents wedding. That was why her real daddy was doomed from the start.

“Groovy!” the girls smiled. None of them ever could understand why Mr. Brady had such curly hair.

“Hmmm…think we could get that adorable Clay Stafford to bring some pulque?” Marcia asked.

“”Marcia!” Jan was shocked. ”Pulkey!??? The drink made from fermented kosher chicken legs and cactus juice? Mom will die!”

“That’s the idea!” Marcia smiled evilly. “If Daddy is tied up and Mom is dead or plowed on pulque…we can really have a great party!”

Unbeknownst to the girls Bobby and Peter are snooping on their sisters and recording their plot on their not-yet-invented reel-to-reel tape recorder.

“Too bad we don’t have an 8 track or a video camera”

“They haven’t been invented yet” Peter observes.

“Wait until we tell GREG!”

“He hates the Cartwrights!” Says Peter.

Greg was used to being the best looking guy in their town but when Dad made them move to Virginia City, he found out that Joe Cartwright had that title. In addition, Ben Cartwright had found Greg chopping down a pine tree to make a surf board and had him arrested by sheriff Coffee

“Dumb ass boy! Don’t he realize there is no surfing on Lake Tahoe!” Roy Coffee said shaking his head.

“And go get a hair cut!!!” Ben growled.

Myrna fast forwarded through some more commercials for diabetic products, electric wheel chairs that could climb Eagles nest and a preview of the next episode of “Diagnosis Murder” Dick Van Dyke cures Alan Brady of athlete’s foot and Chachie solves a murder.

 

*****

 

Meanwhile…At a pajama party, all the girls were in one location and the Cartwright brothers could score easily.

“Just like rounding up stray heifers,” Hoss grinned.

“Now you got the idea!” Adam nodded, clapping his huge brother on the shoulders. “You boys can pick your picking’s first. Those Brady girls all sort of remind me of Laura Dayton anyway..shallow, whiney, childish simpering.…”

Adam shudders.

“BLUE double knit polyester mini dresses with zipper fronts with those round loops on the zipper…” Joe sighs. He hardly ever met a shallow blond girl that he didn’t fall for.

“Vinyl boots, false eye lashes, textured panty hose…” Hoss added. “Hope they kin cook.”

“Cook? The got Alice. She is great cook…she gets meat from Sam the Butcher!” Adam explained.

“They didn’t really say that about MEAT!” Myrna comments to the TV set. She couldn’t believe that dirty line was left in the script.

“How do we get rid of them Brady boys?” Hoss asked munching on some prune and rhubarb pie. Crumbs and bits of prunes are all over his face and neck. He flipped the entire pie out of the pan into his beefy fist and gobbled it like a twinkie.”YUM!”

“Shoot em!” Joe suggests wiggling his Elvis-like eyebrows. He draws and twirls his pistol and slides it back in his holster.

“No…too violent. Hoss hates unnecessary violence.” Adam said. He may have been cranky at times but he loved his brothers.

“Violins?” Hoss asked chomping on his fifth pie. “I hate violins…fiddles too.” He remembered his brief career as Maestro Hoss.

“VIOLENCE!! VIOLENCE!” Adam and Joe holler. “Get that pie out of your ears.”

“So, Adam, how should we get rid of them Brady Boys?” Hoss said wiping his face on Little Joe’s arm.

“Yeah, they will protect their territory and their sisters!” Joe pulls his sleeve from Hoss’s mouth.

“The solution is completely and utterly simple…” Adam outlines a fool proof plan to rid the world of Greg, Peter and Bobby Brady. Each boy gets married and a Cartwright acts as the best man at the wedding.

For example (as shown in dream like wooo woo scenes)…

Little Joe smiles as he handed Bobby the ring. Bobby was a swell guy. The bachelor party Joe had given him the night before had been a huge success. The Silver Dollar was filled with hard drinking cowhands and young men wearing double knit bell bottoms and Huck-a-poo shirts. They drank beer, played poker, smoked cigars and had a fine time.

It was a much livelier bachelor party than the pie eating fiesta Hoss gave the late Bobby or the disco poetry martini fest that Adam had hosted for the late Greg.

As Ben watched the wedding sitting next to Mr. and Mrs. Brady, he remember how he had been the best man at Mrs. Brady’s first marriage to a guy who looked awfully like Griff King.

“Absolutely!!!” Hoss and Joe agree to Adam’s plan. Adam was so smart!

“Pack up your bed roll boys and lets ride on over to the Pajama party! “ Adam had a “Hello Kitty” sleeping bag and Joe had “Power Puff Girls”… they knew gals loved that kind of decor. Hoss just had ordinary pink gingham…but he brought a sack of Doritos and some mango salsa.

“Adam…how come you are bringing balloons to the pajama party?” Hoss asks watching his brothers pack their gear.

“Balloons?” Adam raises his eyebrows. “…those weren’t balloons….
and put them back in the foil wrappers.”

“But they look like balloons; they even have a little nose on the end. See!! Like them Mickey Mouse Balloons we got in Disney World that time,” Hoss said holding one up for Joe and Adam to examine.

“Joseph…err would you talk to Hoss…”

“Pa always said “No glove/no love”

Flashback music (dododoododonollehlouoduoudoudou)

 

*****

 

Flash back…

First scene: Ben and Adam

“Pa, what about…you know…the birds and the bees?” Little Adam asked.

“Go ask Inger.”

“Inger, what about the birds and the bees?” Little Adam asks.

“Go ask Uncle Gunnar…”

‘”Uncle Gunnar? What about the birds and the bees?” Little Adam asks.

“Weeeelll, there is the ferfhen shlakgen and the lady has a flingle dingle…”

Second Scene of the Flashback, 6 years later

“Pa, what about the birds and the bees?” asked Little Hoss.

“Err um, Go ask Marie…” Ben blushes and rushes out the door. “I have cattle to round up and a lynching to prevent!”

Last Scene of the Flashback, 6 years later

“Err Pa…about the birds and bees…” Little little Joe asks Pa.

“Go talk to Adam…” Ben grabs his hat and rushes out of the door.

“Adam,” Little Little Joe says with a grin.” What was it that you and Hoss wanted to know about the birds and the bees?”

 

Later:

The boys climb on their horses…Joe vaults onto Cochise with his enthusiastic flip.” PAJAMA PARTY HERE WE COME!!!”

And the Cartwrights ride out.

“That was a stock shot of the boys riding!” Myrna observes to Nippy. “Its supposed to be at night and the sun is shining in that shot. And that is a different Cochise! The one Joe jumped on had a white tail and this one has a black tail.”

“Wooooof” agrees Nippy and she licks the screen.

Still Later….in the moonlight…in the rear patio of the Brady Ranch House….
“Oh Joesy Woesy!!!” Cindy lisps as Little Joe wraps his arms around her. “I wove to square dance! “

“Say it …not spray it!“ Joe wiped Brady spit off his adorable upper cheek as Cindy tried to clutch his lower cheek in his tight tan pants. Joe really thought Marcia was far better looking but he never wanted to go out with a girl who had nicer hair than he did.

“I really love you, Adam!” Marcia smiled as she wrapped her slender arms around his neck. Adam kissed her. Adam kisses any woman.. He usually thinks with his lips first, even though Adam Cartwright really wished he was in the moonlight with Jan. Brady She was a far better match for him. She was intelligent, well read and appreciated math and poetry. She could even do quadratic equations in her pretty blond head. Even Philip Deiederhimershimerr couldn’t do THAT.

“Oooh Hoss! “ Jan held his hand as they gazed at the moonlight “What a romantic evening!” Jan said with a demure smile. Hoss nodded. He wished he was with Alice, the Brady’s housekeeper. She was a great cook.

THE END

Myrna wiped the tears from her eyes… this was one of the best episodes she ever saw. She popped another tape into her VCR and continued her Bonanza Extravaganza

“Partridge Ponderosa”

Bum deeda Bum dee da BOOO m DOOOmmmm…the Bonanza theme gallops into her ears. Nippy howls with joy.

A painted wagon rides down the road.

“Hello, world, hear the song that we’re singin’; C’mon get happy!
A whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’; We’ll make you happy!
We had a dream, we’d go travelin’ together; We’d spread a little lovin’ then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together; We get a happy feelin’ when we’re singing a song.
Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’; C’mon get happy!
A Whole lot of lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’; We’ll make you happy!
We’ll make you happy!
We’ll make you happyyyyy!”

 

THE END (or is it?)

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