My Son, My Son, My Cancelled Wedding (by Robin)

Summary:  A REALLY Lost Episode

Word Count:  2700


                             My Son, My Son, My Cancelled Wedding



Chapter One-The Girl Drawing


“Okay Adam. Staple those number tags on the extra gals,” directed Ben Cartwright. “And Hoss, you lift each one of them and put her in that empty water tank.”

“Gently, Hoss! This one is sort of squishy!” Joe said as he kissed full figured Flora Romano adios.

“And this one is sort of boney,” Adam said kissing Bonita Slimfast farewell.

“Stir ’em up good, boys!” Ben ordered, handing Adam a long stirring paddle.

“Mix ‘em up, Ben,” Roy Coffee said. “Don’t want any gals stuck in the bottom of the bin.” As sheriff of Virginia City, he was authorized to oversee the official Broken Heart Lottery being held on the Ponderosa. Most folks around Nevada Territory just called the annual event The Ponderosa Stray Girl Drawing. All the Ponderosa ranch hands lined up with their raffle tickets anxiously awaiting the results of the Stray Girl Drawing on the Ponderosa. Not only did the Cartwrights pay $35 a month and have some of the most delicious grub in the Comstock, each cowboy got a ticket for the girl raffle every payday.

“Hurry up, Adam! We ain’t got all day!” hollered doomed gimpy Gus. He knew he would be dead by dark.

“Yeah I want that pitchfork-pierced gal that Little Joe discarded!” Shleppy Sam said. “She is well ventilated.” So would he by the end of the episode.

“And I want that gambling widow!” declared Poker Faced Paul eyeing Hoss’s discarded gal.

Amazingly, no one was interested in Laura Dayton and she was labeled the booby prize.

“Maybe you can pass her off to some of your poor down-at-the heels kin folk,” guest-starring Sheriff Jed Clampett said. Then he mysteriously eyed the slutty blonde gal Adam had taken on the unchaperoned 27 hour picnic while her older but sluttier sister worked in the saloon serving up much more than beer.

“Sounds good to me!” Adam agreed. He made note to ship Laura Dayton to cousin Muley or the late great Abel Stoddard or Cousin Zorro.

“Pa, what about you?” Joe let a tear trickle down his cheek. He cared deeply about his beloved Pa’s happiness and he cried so awesomely. He hadn’t even had to pull a hair out of his nose or think about sad things like no prom date or split ends.

“I am courting that lovely widow, Katherine Saunders, boys…you know that. Her husband was my good friend.”

“Don’t that happen an awful lot, Pa?” Hoss asked.

“Not more than once each season… I have a friend, he dies… often he has an attractive wife,” Ben responded. “What’s a widowed cattle baron to do?”

“There aren’t that many single women in Nevada Territory,” Adam shrugged.

“Remember that grape picking lady, Joyce. We built her a mill.” Hoss loved grape jam on his bagels.

“Isn’t that how Pa met my mother, REAL Marie?” Little Joe pointed out pointedly.

“Now that you mention it…Pa was friends with Jean, Marie‘s first husband. He died when he and Pa were alone and Pa married Marie.” Adam reminisced.

“Don’t that beat all! ‘plus de choses changent, plus qu’ils restent la même chose’!” Hoss exclaimed.

“Huh?” Adam asked.

“The more things change the more they stay the same, son,” Ben translated.

“I thought you went to college back east, Adam.” Roy Coffee asked pulling on his moustache. Roy had studied at the Mayberry Sheriff College.

“I did, but I took Japanese and engineering,” Adam explained quickly. He didn’t add that he flunked French because he got mono that semester. (Remember, mono used to be called the “kissing disease”.)

“Marie sure cooked good,” Hoss sighed, remembering his stepmother’s soufflés and crepes and Cajun matzoh balls.

“Look, here comes Katherine and her son!” Adam announced. “He is going to try to throttle his mom!”

Hoss ordered “ ‘Arrêt ne tuent pas votre mère. Mon père veut l’épouser s’il n’est pas trop tard!’ Stop; don’t kill your mother. My father wants to marry her if it isn’t too late”

“BAD EDEN!” Joe hollered. ”Bad bad Eden!”

“Kill him, Pa!” the three brothers cheered excitedly as each handed him a pistol.

“Thanks, boys. I have my own firearm.” Ben drew and fired.

BAM! Ben Cartwright shot and hit his target.

Eden Saunders fell dead on the ground. He was so miserably rotten that he didn’t even apologize to his mother for his homicidal behavior before he breathed his last sociopath breath.

“Ooops!” said his mother.

Despite the fact that Ben had to kill Eden to save Ben’s lady, Katherine Saunders (who was Eden’s mom), Ben knew that that it was very unlikely that there would be a wedding.


Chapter Two-Consoling Pa


Later that night in front of the blazing hearth…

“Sorry, Pa,” Adam said. He all too well knew from bitter past broken-hearted experience what it was like to loose a woman he loved. He had a marshmallow peep on the end of Joe’s epee and was making Ben a peep s’more.

“Sorry, Pa,” Little Joe said when his father told him too…even though Joe was secretly glad not to have to share his Pa with still another brother. Katherine had even suggested putting bunk beds in Joe’s room for Eden and letting Eden have the side of the room with the Indian portrait with the spooky eyes. They wanted to bring in a tacky Ikea dresser for Eden’s collection of glow in the dark Joe Boxer undies, mutilated Barbie dolls and one legged Beany Babies.

“Garsh, Pa, no wedding?” Hoss frowned. He too had been dumped more times than Hop Sing could count on an abacus.

“Yup…” Ben sighed pulling his lady friend’s snap shot out of his wallet and tossing it into the fire.

On the other hand, every time Hoss met a new gal in Virginia City, Hoss would say, “Howdy Ma’am. I know you must want to take advantage of my innocent kind nature and are probably really screwed up and will leave me heartbroken and morose. Wanna get hitched?” That technique didn’t quite work out either.

“No, son. It really doesn’t work out for the best when the groom has killed his future stepson.”

“And was present at the incident that made that woman a widow?” Joe hinted. Adam handed his father the molten peep s’more and Ben gobbled it down in one bite…like a manly cowboy should. Adam tossed the epee across the room where it stuck in the dining room drape.

“Shut up, Joe; you don’t understand,” Adam hollered “You are just a kid!”

Joe tossed his graying hair “Me a kid? Get a grip, Adam!”

Adam got a grip on Joe’s throat and beat him over the head with the coffee table.

“Boys! Boys! I love you all the same! And Joe, get your head off the table!”

“Yes Pa!” Joe peeled the coffee table off his head.

Adam and Joe hugged and shook hands. At least they distracted Pa for a nanosecond.

“No wedding Pa?” Hoss repeated. “No wedding reception neither?”
“No, son, no wedding. No party.” Ben felt terrible. He was going to finally have something soft a warm in his bed besides that inflatable gal water bottle that the boys had given him for Father’s Day, 1862.

“No little pigs in blankets? No mini quiches? No CAKE!?!?” Hoss wept profusely.

“Dinnnah served!” HopSing announced. Hoss immediately stopped crying and went to the table. “Roast pork and mashed potatoes. Mmm mmm!”

“Think we can get some Café Vienna Mocha Latte International for after dinner, Hop Sing?” Adam asked as they sat down. He instinctively knew that Pa would want a good cry after dinner while they all watched some sad made-for-TV movie on their not yet invented television that the Cartwrights kept in that little side room off the dining room. It was going to be a doomed romance marathon on the Lifetime/Cowboy channel… John Wayne, Melissa Gilbert, and Linda Evans.

“OOoh Cochise loves coffee!” Joe grinned.

“Cochise?” Hoss said as he made a mashed potato mountain and poured gravy lava over it. “Mmmmmmmm. Mount Vesuvius sculpted in edibles,” Hoss smiled. “ ‘Je suis venu, j’ai vu, j’ai conquis, j’ai mangé. I came, I saw, I ate. J’aime les pommes de terre et la sauce au jus! I love potatoes with gravy’.” Everyone in Virginia City assumed Hoss was just a good hearted dope but he too was classically educated at the Sorbonne. It wasn’t only Adam who had a higher education. He was just the only one who bragged about it. Little Joe had also studied at the Kinsey Institute of Sexual Research  where he was the president of his fraternity, Kappa Iota Sigma Sigma.

“Cochise, the Indian, likes coffee?” Ben raised his eyebrow.

“No Cochise Cartwright, my darling pinto pony horse,” Joe raised both his eyebrows.

“Cochise, your horse, likes coffee?” Adam asked. He raised both his eye brows and wiggled one ear.

“Uh huh,” Hoss nodded. Not to be out done by his expressive family, he raised both eyebrows, wiggled both ears and stuck out his tongue. “Cochise done told me that jest the other night when me and Chub was drinkin‘ chablis and reading Villard‘s poetry..”


Chapter 3-Coffee


Later, Little Joe went into the barn to sip latte with Cochise after dinner. He couldn’t wait to tell Coochie that Eden would not be his new stepbrother. Dead guys couldn’t be nothing but worm food and not stepbrothers. Eden would never demand that Little Joe to share his horse with him ever again. Or borrow his Dixie Chicks CD or not yet invented blow-dryer . Or sing that awful song, “Ben and My mom sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.” Eden had an awful voice.

Joe felt terrible that Pa was heart broken, but as Adam said “So, Pa, am I back as the executor of the will?”

Things were pretty much back to normal on the Ponderosa.

The blue dress was hung up in the tack room and the extra chairs in the dining room were put away. No wedding… so what else was new?

Little Joe walked into the barn, opening the door with his elbow as his hands were filled with the steaming coffee and almond biscotti. Joe heard voices from inside the barn.

He heard (or was it “herd”?) a chorus of bovine voices. He almost lost his biscotti when he hear (or was it herd?) Elsie say, “My name is Elsie and I am a nasty, cranky cow!”

“Hello Elsie!” the rest of the cows mooed. (or was it “mood”?…as in bad mood.).

Joe realized it was Monday Night…time for either football or “Cow 12 Step Program” on the Ponderosa. Since it was summer, Joe knew football wasn’t on not yet invented TV so it must be the 12 Step night.

Coochie had already saddled him/herself up and was ready to ride. “Let’s ride, Little Joe! Can‘t stand the cranky cattle.” Coochie swilled down the coffee Little Joe offered and was pumped up by the caffeine. They galloped off into the darkness.


Chapter 4 – Night Rider


They were having such a good time together, caffeinated Cochise and Joe rode all night long stopping only once to use the restroom at the Rusty Truss Saloon and Car Wash and to get a bladder refill at Starbucks. The cowboy and his horse were so attuned to each other’s needs that at one point, Little Joe even galloped carrying Cochise on his back for a few miles so Coochie could get a rest. At some point Joe decided they better get to sleep and pulled Cochise into a convenient trailside motel, the Bates Motel.

At the check in desk was a lovely and attractive young lady.

Joe’s heart beat faster. He signed the registry and smiled his most beguiling grin and wiggled his beguiling ASSets.

 “THGIWTRAC EOJ?” The pretty desk clerk read backwards.

“No, Joe Cartwright.” Joe spun the register around to face the girl correctly….

”And Coochie Cartwright!” Cochise said putting his/her hoof on the counter. “Do you have a coffee pot in the rooms?”

Joe elbowed his pinto aside. “Go out and wait in the corral, Coochie.” Joe whispered. He truly was attracted to the pretty desk clerk and didn‘t want his horse to interrupt his potential rendezvous with WOWza Whoopee. Adam might like to get in the love groove with a voyeuristic horse nearby, but not Joe.

“My Pa told us boys never to go upstairs in a saloon with a saloon gal,” Joe winked.

“Good thing this is a one story motel, Eoj,” the lovely girl sighed, longingly eyeing his assets. She batted her thick black 1960s false eyelashes at the hunka hunk of burning love cowboy in front of her. “Eoj”

“Joe,” the handsome young Cartwright corrected.

“No, my name is Janet, not Joe.”

“I meant, my name is Joe, not Eoj,” He winked and rolled his shoulders in a Little Joe mating dance. He leaned closer to her and gazed longingly at her and took her hand in his. They were both immediately in love, as per usual.\

“Joe, now that Norman Bates has been taken away by Doc Martin and Sheriff Coffee…do you want to take a shower with me?” Janet smiled invitingly as Joe leaned on the counter so close that the formica melted.
Joe looked up …and down…and up again at the attractive gal. She was wearing his favorite colored dress…clear. He looked up and down and down and up. “Do you have any Breck Shampoo?”

“And cream rinse too!” Janet Leigh said seductively as she led Little Joe into the Bates Motel bathroom.


Chapter 5 – Home Sweet Home


The next morning Joe galloped back on to the Ponderosa, thinking of the SWELL romantic time he had during the commercial for Chevy Impalas.

EEEEEEeeeeeeewww… Joe looked down as he leaped from his horse. “Hey Pa, Coochie smooshed some little animals when I rode into the yard too fast from all the coffee,” Little Joe said holding up some bloody goop.

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO RIDE SO FAST!” Ben roared. REAL Marie, Joe’s mama, had died when she fell off a horse and landed on her lovely, but delicate, cranium. Ben always got nervous when any of his boys rode wildly into the yard. He had planned to use the bodies of all those dead one-time ranch hands to make speed bumps but had not yet gotten to it. The ill-fated romance with dead Eden’s widowed mom had momentarily distracted him from the speed bump project.

Joe shrugged and playfully tossed the battered ooky mush of the trampled animal at Adam… (cute brother interaction).

Clutching his head…really his hair…really his toupee, Adam ducked and mass of yuck smacked Hoss full in his full face.


“Mmm…” grinned Hoss. “Better than fromage, er…cheese!!”

Joe laughed so hard his hat fell off.

“Son, your hair looks so lustrous and poofy!” Ben smiled. He was proud of his good looking boys.

“It is lustrous and bouffant!” Adam added.

“ ‘Les beaux cheveux sur un cowboy sont très virils!’ Beautiful hair on a cowboy is very manly!” Hoss exclaimed. Ben smiled proudly at Hoss’s multilingual talents.

“Must be that new Breck shampoo and cream rinse!” Joe grinned, tiredly shaking his poofy hair gracefully.

Adam, Hoss and Ben sighed wishing they had lovely hair too.

Just then Hop Sing rushed out of the kitchen…he had recently resigned to go back to China but Ben wooed him back by promising him a raise and vacation at an elderhostel in Stockton where  Eugene Barkley was teaching Fung Shui “Breakfast Served! Cartwrights bettah eat or I go back to China!”


The End

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