Shanklin: The Unedited Version (by Robin)

Summary:  A REALLY Lost Episode

Word Count:   2300

 

 

                                 Shanklin: The Unedited Version

 

     The Bonanza episode, “Shanklin” originally aired on February 13, 1972.


While Joe and Ben are otherwise occupied, a smelly nasty bunch of stinking baddies who are evil Ex- Confederates and Manson like creeps invade the Ponderosa. They are really rude to Hop Sing and scare Jamie (boo oooga ogga) and shoot poor Hoss. Hoss lingers near death after being shot by the leader of the evil band, Shanklin . Somehow they figure the Cartwrights are rich (Ooo look, two-seater out house!) and  demand $25,000 dollars from Ben. Ironically, the only one who can save Hoss’s life is the same man who wounded him — the evil Shanklin who happens to be a doctor. Ben has to help save Hoss while Joe and whiney Jamie try to rescue them. There were more scenes in this episode than most viewers get to see as the original episode ran one hour and ten minutes because Jamie whined so much. They had to cut some of the best scenes to make room for commercials.

Here is the REALLY Lost Episode: Shanklin: Unedited.

As Hoss lay gasping and moaning on the operating/dining room table, Ben Cartwright froze in fear. Thoughts raced through his cattle baron brain and he silently cursed the evil men who had brought pain and horror into his home. Too bad Shanklin didn’t leave…and maybe even take Jamie hostage. Then Ben could claim he was knocked unconscious and since Hoss was wounded and Joe was ogling saloon girl’s buxom bazooms in down town Virginia City and Lord knows where Adam had disappeared to seven seasons earlier. One day he was there and the next all that was left was his guitar leaning against the wall in various rooms of the house.

 Since they all had an alibi, no one would find fault with the REAL Cartwrights.

They would have been done with that kid had Shanklin hit the road with him as hostage. Too bad they had decided to keep that fool kid instead of sending him back to Rainmakers R Us. Hoss had ordered sprinklers for the Ponderosa Miniature Golf Course and instead of red sprinkler heads, they got that damn kid. It was just like when Hoss ordered the fire works from the Yippee Trading Company and got Marlo Thomas by mistake. They got a stupid ugly kid and the windmill hole got no sprinklers and dried up like dust in the drought.

“Oh well,” Ben thought. “Would of, should have…the road to hell was paved with good intentions…”

 His beloved middle son, Hoss (who had no middle name as they were too poor to afford one as they were going west) might just die if this surgery of Shanklin’s didn’t work. Hoss might lose his leg and have to give up his foolish dreams of being an Irish Step Dancer in the River Dance Troup… Did anyone realize what lengths Ben had to go to in purchasing dancing tights for Hoss? He had to finally go to the “Virginia City’s Victoria’s Secrets Large Gal Shoppe” and get quadruple xxx panty hose and have loyal Hop Sing dye them with soy sauce.

 Now Ben’s full attention was on his injured son, lovable dancing fool Hoss.

Meanwhile …back in town…

Joe sprang into action.

At some point Joe had stopped playing poker and ogling the saloon girl’s bazoomy bazongas and realized there was some sort of trouble back on the ranch.

Joe quickly took a “Post it” note and quickly wrote “Property of Joseph Francis Cartwright…I will be right back.” and slapped it lustily on the gal’s décolletage. (Joe had a middle name as the Cartwright’s were far more prosperous by the time he was born and Ben could not only afford a young gorgeous trophy wife but a middle name for his baby.)

“Thanks, Joe!” the slut puppy saloon gal said breathlessly as Joe kissed her hot and fast.

“Back after I rescue my family, Baby! Or maybe after dinner…which ever comes second.”  Joe vaulted onto the back of Cochise (though he would rather have been vaulting onto the front of  the bazoomy gal who made his tight tan pants get tighter and his heart go lub dub lub dub.

Joe galloped home hoping against hope that Jamie was the victim of some danger, hopefully the permanent victim. Cochise remained tight lipped and silent. There was no love between the pinto and the mutant boy. More than once, the kid had even knocked over Coochie’s coffee and scratched his bosa nova records.

 As Joe rode towards the ranch he remember all the times his father and brothers had saved each other. Hopefully, if anything happened to Jamie, none of them would be so stupid to save him. Heck …Monkey faced boy wasn’t even close to being a real Cartwright…even Moe the Village Idiot from over in Carson City knew that.

Joe hated Jamie as did most of the audience. At least Joe had no concern that he was better looking than Joe…not that anyone else could be…but Cousin Zorro had come close.

Not only had Pa been paying attention to that Howdy Doody Zit Faced kid that he insisted on adopting but now Hoss was getting Pa’s attention by being shot in his leg and bursting his femoral artery. Good thing Hoss had been wearing his River Dance tights or he would have bled out and DIED!!! Joe wouldn‘t know what to do if anything happened to his beloved Chubby Bubbie Brother!!!

Meanwhile back in the ranch…

A crappy doctor was substituting for Doc Martin, who, coincidentally, at that very moment was at a medical convention in San Francisco at a presentation by Trapper John MD about bloodless surgery with kitchen implements. The substitute doctor got drunk on some Vino de Ponderosa and even sober was incapable of helping Hoss. Shanklin, the deranged villain who had shot Hoss, had done surgery on Hoss with Ben assisting. Joe really hoped that the drunk doc didn’t have the nerve to send Pa a bill for his services.

They had used the dining room table as an operating table…Hoss was too big for the settee, and besides, that was Joe’s swooning couch. And the men had surrounded the table with light reflecting mirrors to enhance the dramatic mood and tension of the sequence.

Now Ben was paying his full attention to Hoss.

How could Pa do that? Joe thought as he plotted to rescue his family (except Jamie). Joe was Pa’s baby and always was!!! Now Pa’s lap was filled by gawky Jamie instead of adorable Little Joe and the pain of it had turned his lovely poofy curls gray. At least he wasn’t going bald like the rest of the family… now Pa was wiping Hoss’s sweaty brow and paying attention to him!! Not that Joe didn’t love Hoss with all his heart, but that was brow wiping stuff belonged to Joe alone and always had.

Joe knew that not only did he have to rescue his family and whup ass of all the baddies (as usual), he had to regain Pa’s tender care.  What was he? Chopped liver? No he was the baby and you gotta love him!!! This called for action!

First, in the barn, Joe pulled Jamie aside and manfully told the boy that this was his opportunity to prove himself as a man.

“How? Tell me what to dooo wooo!” Jamie rolled his mismatched eyes whimpered like Laura Dayton with cramps.

“Here Jamie, wear this.” Joe took two Daisy BB gun bulls-eye targets that he had purchased at the Virginia City Tar Jay. Joe  stapled them to the whiney kid, one on his face one on his back. “Dance around like that Pee Wee Herman guy you are so fond of. And if that doesn‘t work, bash your own head in with Adam‘s guitar.”

“Oooa Kay Joooe,” Jamie said like finger nail scratching on the blackboard.

While Jamie danced and shots rang out toward him, Joe sprang into action. Joe leaped and shot did a hand stand on the edge of Ben’s desk then  did whirl wind cartwheels and killed the bad guys with his “shoot in the mirror ” trick that he had seen on the Rifleman a few weeks earlier. As he felt the hot lead of the evil baddies bullet crease his gorgeous hunky shoulder, Joe knew, from past experiences (…and having read the script ) it was but minor “flesh wound”. It wasn’t even of the magnitude to interrupt his evening of poker and bazoom leering back in town. Heck he still would have two good eyes and one good hand and his …“Personality“. Gals loved Joe’s “Personality”.
But this was his chance to win Pa’s attention back.

Joe clutched his chest and smashed the container of bloodless blood that he always carried in his tight tan pants….near the warmth of his “personality”. (Jamie’s personality was about the size of Joe’s pinky…maybe even smaller.”

“PPPPppaaaaaaaaaa!” Joe moaned and collapsed to the floor. “PAAaaaaaaa!” …a tear trickled down from his sparkly green eyes as a bit of Ponderosa shmutz found its way under Joe’s contact lenses. As he lay (lie? laid?) on the floor moaning, Joe made a mental note to remind Hop Sing to use the dust buster under Pa’s massive (like himself, Pa, like all the REAL Cartwrights had a MASSIVE “personality” too) cattle baron desk as dust bunnies were poofing around. Some were even Derby Royal dust bunnies humping and bumping and breeding more dust bunnies. He also noticed a quarter, two paper clips and a lady’s pink satin garter. “Hmmmmm? A lady’s garter? That looked like it belonged to Miss Kitty? Joyce Edwards? Julia Bullette? His dead Mama?” Joe thought to himself from his place on the floor.

“Joe!” Pa bellowed. He quickly growled some line about blowing up the bad guys and following them to hell and avenging his baby’s pain by chopping him into vulture bait and ran to clutch his darling Little Joe to his chest.

“What am I chopped liver?” Shanklin growled as he died.

“No you moron! Chopped vulture bait!” Hoss gasped. “Didn’t you hear my Pa?” Hoss loved to use food in his similes.

Joe quickly shut his eyes and pretended to be briefly unconscious.

“Joe!!!! Are you all right? Don’t die, son!” Ben exclaimed in his most Ben-like manner scooping his true youngest son up in his loving  arms.

Joe smiled. “I did it all for you Pa! Did I make you proud? Tell me you love me! PAAAAaaaaa”

Ben nodded and said, “I do, Joe! Don’t die! Don‘t die, SON!”

“OK! ” Joe grinned and leaped to his feet, quickly picking up the ladies garter and jamming into his jacket pocket.

” ‘Twas just a flesh wound Pa! I am just fine! Peachy Keen and raring to go. Let’s have supper before Hop Sing runs off to China! Maybe we can eat off of snack tables as the dining room table is sort of gross right now and Hoss is still on top of it!”

“Yeah Pa! ” Hoss cheerfully exclaimed. “Call for pizzas from Georgio Rossi’s Eyetalian Palace Take out!! I’m hungrier than that elephant we brought home from the circus!”

” And you weigh more too!” Shanklin muttered as he died knowing he wished he had a Pa like Ben Cartwright. He would have used his medical talents for good and not evil and he could have become a dermatologist and cured Jamie.

NOT QUITE THE END

As the Cartwrights enjoy the pizza that was delivered to them steaming hot by the steaming hot pizza delivery gal in her steaming hot pizza gal outfit… (I think her name was Susan…but I could be wrong)

Joe RIPS the bloodlessly bloodied shirt from his hunka hunka burning love body and winks at the steaming hot pizza delivery gal and says (with a wink) “Gosh Pa, Hoss, Hop Sing, Cochise, Monkey Faced Jamie… I feel much better now. But a nice back rub with some olive oil would sure make me feel mighty FINE.”

“Sure son!” Ben said knowing Hoss was feeling significantly better from the anchovies and pineapple on the pizza. Now Ben could properly tend to his real baby, Little Joe, the Prince of the Ponderosa.

Anyway, Jamie was running around in the north pasture like a dumb assed jack rabbit wearing a target on his boney rear end. Hopefully some of those  wild sheep shooters  would mistake Jamie for something to blast off the face of the earth and that would end all of their misery. Not only was Joe remarkably handsome, he was a pretty clever guy to boot.

Ben would have to write to Adam about all this but unfortunately they hadn’t heard from him in a season or two. The last time they heard from him, he had been an explosives expert for the Barkley Mines over in Stockton and was off to play pro baseball in Hawaii.

“No, Pa,” Joe said generously. He stepped over dead Shanklin and the passed out “Not Doc Martin” Doc who had been drinking the Vino De Ponderosa. He grinned, stretching his muscular arms and drawing the delivery gal closer. “You just tend to Hoss, Pa. This gal here has volunteered to tend to moi.”

Joe flexed his chest and Susan swooned.

….And waved crashed on Lake Tahoe.

 

The End

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