Butch Cassidy and the Starsky Kid (by Barbara)

Summary:    A bit of banter.  Just what would the duo do if they weren’t cops?
Category:  Starsky & Hutch
Genre:  Crime
Rated:  PG
Word Count:  1377


Friday night – in the Torino

“Man, I’m bored.”

“Just another day in the exciting life of a cop eh, Starsk.”

“Really. It’s about as exciting as Dobey’s tie collection.”

“I think it’s a nice change of pace actually.”

“I like a little more action. You know, something a little more… complicated.”

“Complicated huh? You think what we do is complicated?”

“No Hutch. I said I like something complicated.”

“Oh you mean like… your love life?”

“You’ve got that right.”

“How is Julie by the way?”

“She’s a Burger King girl, Hutch.”

“A Burger King girl? What the hell does that mean?”

“She does it my way.”

“Too bad she can’t order a Whopper though, huh pal.”

“Very funny. I’ll have you know, I’ve never had any complaints.”

“You’re the only person I know who can compare his relationship with fast food.”

“Ain’t nothing fast about her, Hutch.”

“I’m so happy for you.”

“And who said anything about a relationship?”

“There’s more to life than sex Starsky.”

“So you keep telling me. But I haven’t found anything yet.”

“You just finished saying you liked action and COMPLICATED things.”

“Yeah. And then YOU mentioned my love life. So you tell me who has the one-track mind… Man! I wish business would pick up. I’m going crazy over here.”

“Well. You should be glad that everyone is getting along. Maybe the human race has finally gotten crime and violence out of its system.”

“I hope not. If they have then we’re out of a job. Besides I like crime and violence. Crime and violence is never boring.”

“You’ve always talked about us moving to Bolivia and robbing banks. You know… Hutch Cassidy and the Starsky Kid. Maybe this is our chance.”

“Maybe. And how come you get to be Butch Cassidy?”

“Because I’m the smart one.”

“Oh yeah. How could I forget.”

“Hey Starsk?”


“What would you do if you hadn’t become a cop?”

“When I was a kid I wanted to be a cowboy.”

“Who didn’t. You ever even been on a horse?”

“Just the ponies at Coney Island. You?”

“Who me? I was born in the saddle.”

“Of course you were.”

“No. Really. Seriously. What would you be doing right now… if you weren’t a cop?”

“I’d be a lifeguard.”

“A LIFEGUARD! I said seriously.”

“I am serious.”

“Starsky. I’ve seen you swim and it isn’t pretty.”

“Dats because I save pretty for da girl I take home after a rough day of sand, surf and sun.”

“You think saving damsels is all there is to being a lifeguard?”

“Saving damsels is my specialty.”

“Is that all you think about?”

“Only when I’m not sleeping or eating.”

“You know what, Starsk?”


“You have the raging hormones of a twelve year old.”

“Oh really. And what’s your excuse?”

“I don’t need any excuses. I have total control over this body.”

“That’s not what she said.”

“Who said what?”

“Nobody. Nothing. So… seriously, if you don’t mind me asking, what would YOU do if you weren’t a cop?”

“Probably… work with kids or the under privileged – the homeless. Or, maybe even be a doctor.”

“Listen to him… Saint Hutch. Da patron saint of blonde surgeons and ugly cars.”

“Saint who?”

“You heard me. Don’t pull that Mother Teresa act with me.”

“What Mother Teresa act? And my car isn’t ugly. It just has character.”

“Yeah, the character of crumpled up paper bag.”

“It’s got more character then this hunk-a-junk. This thing looks like a kid’s lunch box.”

“At least it doesn’t ride like a stage coach.”

“No it rides like a tank!”

“Okay. Okay. We all know you hate this car. But, admit it Hutch. This car has gotten us out of more trouble and chased down more criminals than that scrap metal on wheels you call a car.”

“Yeah and put us in the hospital more times than a zebra has stripes.”

“ONCE! ONE TIME! Are you ever going to let me forget that one?”

“Being double clutched into the side of a truck is not exactly easy to forget, Starsky.”

“It’s been two years! Just let it go will ya. And as I recall you faked all of your injuries anyway.”

“Oh no. I faked amnesia. My neck hasn’t been the same since.”

“Oh well. Whatever.”

“So, you don’t think I’d make a good doctor?”

“You’d be good with the nurses.”


“I guess you’d make a good doctor. You sure have enough experience as a patient.”

“Just as much as you do. Starsk.”

“You’ve been in the hospital way more than me. I mean you’ve been shot what… two three times.”

“So. So have you.”

“What about the time you almost had your hand blown off and that another time you cut it open on that fence. You’ve been stung by bees and had cigarettes thrown on you. That car bomb almost did you in.”

“Those things didn’t put me in the hospital.”

“Okay. But you’ve been hit on the head more times than I can count. You’ve been stabbed and beaten up and how could we forget the asshole that shot you up with heroin. Remember when you broke your leg that time you got pushed off the road and pinned under your car?”

“How could I forget.”

“You’ve even had The Plague… AND botulism. I mean how many people can say they’ve survived The Plague AND botulism? Not many. You should leave your body to science, Hutch. It’s a miracle you’re still walking around.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad? You should be dead… twice… at least!”

“You almost sound like you wish I was dead.”

“Oh come on – no I don’t. It’s just that you’ve tempted fate more times then the average bear.”

“Well all those things were beyond my control, Starsk.”

“YOU ate the soup. YOU climbed the fence. YOU even walked into that sliding door in Anna’s hotel room. Now THAT was graceful.”

“And YOU double clutched me into the side of a truck.”

“I still didn’t do as much damage to you as you’ve done to yourself. And what about the time you went through that plate glass window?”

“What about it?”

“Only you could find a plate glass window to fall through. Let’s face it Hutch, you’re an accident waiting to happen. YOU are a klutz – a walking disaster.”

“Oh really.”

“Yes… really.”

“Well if I’m so accident prone, why do you spend every waking moment with me then? Don’t you feel like your life is in jeopardy when we’re together if I’m such a ‘walking disaster’ as you put it?”


“Oh no? And, why’s that?”

“Because Hutch. I am poetry in motion. I am in tune with the world around me. I am alert and agile.”


“You heard me.”

“Well, let’s just go over your resume of spills and thrills shall we.”

“Okay. Go ahead.”

“YOU’VE been shot lots of times.”

“Once! And dat was your fault.”


“The guy who trapped us in that barn was after you not me. I was an innocent by- stander.”

“Innocent by-stander my ass.”

“I was!”

“What about the time in the Italian restaurant?”

“What about it?”

“You took two bullets there.”

“Yeah… so?”

“So? What do you mean so?”

“I mean, that still doesn’t make me come anywhere close to beating your casualty list. I mean we’re talkin’ The Plague here Hutch. WHO gets The Plague? Only you could do that.”

“Okay. Okay. I get the point.”



“Okay then.”


“ <sigh> Let’s call it a night, huh.”

“Sounds like a plan Ollie. I’ll call it in.”

“What do you want to eat for dinner?”

“Are you sure you want to eat dinner with me? You might be putting yourself in imminent danger.”

“Hutch. We’re partners. Besides you need me to protect you from the trials and tribulations of everyday life on the street.”

“Oh spare me. Do you want to get something to eat or not?”


“Okay. Where to?”

“How about Bolivia?”

“How about the cafeteria at Memorial General Hospital. They know me there.”

“Sure. I love to live dangerously.”

***The End***

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