Martha Stewart on Bonanza (by Robin)

Summary:  A REALLY Lost Blank Verse.  As inspired by a brief discussion with Ginny

Word Count:  1200



                           Martha Stewart on Bonanza


What can be WORSE than Martha Stewart hitched to a Cartwright? What could be better?

Would she die if they married?
Would she make her own perfect funeral? Shiny hand made casket lined with satin, perfectly perfect flowers, appropriate music with a lovely lunch to follow.

She can teach Adam how to play guitar, Joe how to break horses, and Hoss how to eat neat (or is it “neatly’).
And Hop Sing how to cook Asian Fusion Cowboy dishes.

She can rearrange Ben’s desk to make it more orderly and teach him how to use a computer…. No more messy tally book.
And refinish the furniture and do craft projects too and garden. She could grow kiwis in the desert and filet fish from Lake Tahoe. Tahoe trout almandine ala Martha.
She would get that burning map restored and have it face true north so Lake Tahoe is in the correct relationship to Virginia City and Carson City (which was named for Kit Carson, a little known fact but it is true).

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright.
That would be a great “Really Lost Episode”.
A good thing.
They could have her paroled to the Ponderosa to be rehabilitated by the fresh air and Ben’s spanking.

“Let the law handle it!” Ben Cartwright always said.

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright.

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright.
She can organize the closets and hang potpourri in the barn and shine up the boots and clean the water troughs until they shine and float tiny candles in it for ambiance.
And just imagine the Christmas decorations and 786 varieties of Christmas cookies for Christmas 1861!

Ho ho ho.

And all those charming ponderosa pine cone centerpieces!
She can make booties for chub and Cochise and Buck!
(But Sport rebels).
And she can make mocha cappuccino for Cochise with just the right amount of foam.


Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright could teach Adam to introduce a bit of color into his wardrobe and with the entire Cartwright family use a color wheel technique to get their most flattering colors.
“Ben! You look so elegant in aubergine! Hoss, add some blue to your earth tones and bring attention to your sparkling eyes. And Joe! Green is perfect but shirtless is even more perfect.

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright can teach Little Joe how to get stains out of his green corduroy without damaging the nap and keep his tootsies off the coffee table and style his hair just right so it suits both him and his Pa.
Martha can teach the anonymous and doomed ranch hands how to make rag rugs & quilts and doilies and cute cafe curtains for the bunkhouse… Wonderful window treatments for cowpokes to feel welcome after a hard day punching cattle.
Candy would not eat jarred peaches with a knife if Martha was there teaching him proper etiquette and we won’t even mention Jamie.


Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright
Yes!! No mention of Jamie! That is a good thing.
Martha Stewart can show how to make spinach quiche over the campfire and fondue like REAL Marie (that was REAL Marie’s specialty)

Love and quiches and fond moments over fondue…WOWza…no one could boil Ben’s fondue like Marie!
Was he fondled over the fondue?
Giggle giggle

If Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright was added to Bonanza, who would Martha Stewart wind up with?
Sassy Joe and corduroy?
Chubby Hossie Wossie who loves her cooking??
Monochromatic Adam? How dark.

Ben in that elegant silver brocade vest? Cattle Baron Ben who is fond of fondue?
Mustachioed Will who saved Adam from Laura Dayton?
Cousin Muley …Martha likes music and doggies but that is a frightening image to conjure up.
Not MULEY NEVER Nooooooo… better Martha and Jethro Beaudine.
He needs her to introduce a bit of order and civility into his bumpkin life.

Consider another mate for Martha?

Not a Cartwright.

Not even Clay Stafford who had wanderdust on his boots.

She can marry Danny Kidd! Or Thunderman and charm him to being un-explosive. Anger management classes and expand his folk music horizons. Or one of those long lost traveling pals of Ben’s? Borelli the clown? Haha. He was a swinger.

What about a leprechaun? Oh so cheerful and green. That is not a good thing.

I know who would wind up with Martha! A man who would impress her beyond belief!

Sheriff Roy Coffee?

Roy’s wardrobe would impress her not…nor would his career in law enforcement be appealing for one with her past.
YUK…plaid, checks and commingled pin stripes! A gent with clanking keys to the Virginia City jail who gets bopped on the noggin by an escaping prisoner at least once each season.

How gauche.

How rude!

Why not post bail or go on house arrest?

OH No. That is not a good thing.
The one for Martha Stewart is Hop Sing!
Not a Cartwright!
Not Roy!

Not Clem!

Not one of the three Doc Martins! Doc Martin, Doc Martin, Doc Martin…or Kaye or Bones McCoy in 3 different roles.

Hop Sing! It’s a good thing

He keeps that huge ranch house sparkling. It’s a good thing.

You could eat off of his floors even though they had those charming red transfer ware plates for the dining room. Checkered napkins and a matching cloth. Where they from the Kmart Martha Stewart Collection?

It’s a good thing!
Hop Sing cooks and can feed the cowboys on a cattle drive from the chuck wagon or serve visiting royalty with crystal or silver or throw together a quickie wedding with punch and paper lanterns by the second commercial. It’s a good thing.
Hoppy is multicultural! World traveled. He has thousands of cousin’s falling ill continually and constantly in San Francisco. Martha can hand craft get well cards for each and everyone from Number One Cousin to Number Nine Thousand Nine Hundred and fifty three.
Hop Sing.
He knows how to hand wash silk as well as get stains out of green corduroy and make stains on the settee disappear. And blue dresses of doomed girls.
Poor Hoppy. Wishing her on him. He was a regular on the series longer than Pernell but never rode up as a star. ALAS. Now you want to shove him and Martha Stewart together?
I know I know!!!

It’s a not a good thing for Hoppy.
What did he ever do to you?


Another choice for Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright, heroic woman of perfection.

A man in BLACK!?

Another Man in BLACK.

Johnny Cash?

Will Smith?


Have Gun Will Travel.

Wire Paladin.

Was his first name “Wire”?

Paladin and Martha Stewart.
She could design him new calling cards and enjoy his courtly ways.
He has all the good qualities of the Cartwrights in one guy.

Good manners,
Black clothes,
Fast draw,
and a mustache like Will!

It’s a good thing.

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Paladin.


The End

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