Summary: A Really Lost Episode
Word Count: 2100
Tale of a Cougar and Death
The Cartwright brothers and the Bonner brothers were out hunting for an infamous cougar. The vicious, sinister creature was killing the cattle around the territory for years.
Joe and Adam had tried to get it once before the previous season. The same cougar had eaten its way and disappeared into the mountains before it could be caught or killed.
Just as Joe and Adam almost cornered it, the cougar leaped at a passing wagon. Joe shot, missing the cougar but hitting a rocky outcropping. A shard of rock hit Tessa in the eye temporarily blinding her. (or so she claimed).
She eventually regained her sight but not before Joe almost married her. His brothers made a few risqué remarks about Joe missing his honeymoon but Joe giggled and said that he and Tessa had worked that out before she left.
“Why do you think she had such a wide smile?” Ben asked his two older boys as he proudly clapped his youngest on the back. “And why do you think I let Joe sleep in all last week?”
“I was plum tuckered out,” Joe exclaimed proudly.
“Garsh! Ain’t he a clever one, Adam?” Hoss declared. “Boy got himself a honeymoon and don’t have to marry the gal!”
“Good job, Joe!” Adam congratulated the boy. Adam made a mental note to try that strategy himself the next time he accidentally shot a girl…or even if he purposely shot her.
Now the same sinister cougar was back on the mountain.
The Bonners and the Cartwrights staked out an area of the woods near the Ponderosa North Pasture, and waited. They waited and waited. Then they waited even longer. It was a long wait.
Adam made sure the Bonners were down wind from him and his brothers as they were quite shtunky and smelled worse than charnel house dude and cheese-toe Charlie. They never bathed or shaved or changed their clothes. They told risqué jokes. The Cartwrights told clean jokes, always bathed, shaved and changed their clothes frequently, even if it looked like they were wearing the same outfits all the time. Pa had got a great price on a wholesale load of cowboy suits somewhere around the third season and the boys were set for years.
There were 46 commercials and a station break while they waited and the Bonners got smellier.
After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close. The cougar sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose, momentarily nauseated by the smell of the Bonners. Then the Cartwrights and the Bonners jumped up and shot it at the same time.
BAM! Five rifles fired simultaneously.
The nauseated cat was killed. The cowboys couldn’t tell whose bullet had taken the asphyxiated cougar’s life!
“We want that cougar as a trophy!” demanded shtunky Rick Bonner.
“But there is just as much chance that one of us kilt it!” Hoss countered making sure he was down wind from the Bonners.
“Prove it!” said the other Bonner brother raising his arms and letting the wind blow his putrid underarm odor towards Hoss. The larger man stumbled backwards, momentarily dazed by the fumes.
“You prove it!” Little Joe said balling up his fists. He was ready to fight for the dead cougar and protect Hoss from the vapors. Joe loved his brothers and his brothers loved Joe!
“Any of us could have shot that cougar!” Adam said, pinching his nose with one hand and raising his fist.
“Hold it boys!” said Judge Jude Dee suddenly appearing from behind a tree, her judicial robes fluttering the mountain breeze. “Let’s not fight here. Compromise!” She rapped her gavel on Rick Bonner’s head and said “Put those arms down or I’ll put them down for you! And no risqué jokes, boys.”
With the Judge’s assistance, the Bonners and the Cartwrights decided to share the credit for the kill. They also decided to have the cougar stuffed by the Virginia City taxidermist, and to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. One month it was to be in the Bonners house; the next, on the Ponderosa.
It worked fairly well for the next four months.
However, this arrangement soon turned out not to be to anyone’s liking. Some months had thirty days, others had thirty one and February had only 28. Soon the Bonner Brothers and the Cartwrights were arguing over the stuffed cougar again.
They all went to Judge Jude Dee again to help sort out the conflict. This time the judge made all of them agree to abide by the judicial decision.
“OK!” said the Cartwrights.
“I wub my Paaaa!” Little Joe started to cry. “I sure wish our Pa was HEEEEEEErrrre!” A tear flowed from Joe’s eyes down his handsome cheek. “He went to visit our sick cousin Will!”
“Joe!” Adam gasped. “I wish Pa was here too, but buck up, Little Brother! Will needed Pa. He had to bring a special doctor to tend him.”
“Sure, Little Joe! Don’t cry!” Hoss put his arm around Joe.
“Shove over, Hoss! Judge Jude Dee can’t see me crying! Nothing gets a gal faster than a strong sensitive cowboy crying!” Joe whispered.
“Are you all right, Little Joe?” Judge Jude Dee fluttered her eyelashes.
“Yes, Ma’am,” Joe wiped his nose on Hoss’ sleeve.
“Wonderful! Now don’t you worry. This will work out just fine!” She winked at Joe. He winked back. “And you Bonners! You had better not give me a problem!”
“Ok!” said the Bonners.
“And you know I have great aim with this gavel, boys!” the Judge said pounding the judicial gavel on Rick Bonner‘s head.
A plan was formulated by the judge and handed to them.
Instead of shifting the stuffed cougar back and forth each month, the Judge decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. The Cartwrights lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar’s rear.
So even though shooting the animal was a great sporting victory, the confusion over who got the stuffed cougar ruined everything…it was nothing but a catASStrophe.
Death in Porto Gorgonzola
The next spring, Joe, Adam and Hoss went to Mexico to purchase a bull for the Ponderosa. The bull, El Toro Supre Grande Loco de Gordito, was the son of the original Toro Grande. It was a long trip from the Ponderosa to the Gordito ranch near the little mountain town of Porto Gorgonzola. The journey would take days and days.
On the fifth day of the trip, Adam’s horse pulled up lame.
“My horse needs to rest for a day before we continue,” Adam decided.
“We are near a town. Why don’t we take a few days off ourselves?” Joe suggested.
“Good idea!” agreed Hoss. When they came to a bustling town, Porto Gorgonzola, the brothers checked into the best hotel. The celadon green sign said “THE BATES MOTEL”. It was small but clean and the desk clerk, Norman Bates, was sinister, but friendly.
“Do you boys want to meet my mom and have supper with us?” Norman invited.
“No thanks,” Adam said politely. The clerk was strange. “Just three rooms and some hot water.”
“For baths, not tea,” Hoss explained. “We’re coffee drinking cowboys!”
“Sanka?” said Norman.
“You are welcome,” said Adam politely.
“Wouldn’t you prefer a shower?” Norman Bates said with a strange, weird, bizarre, PSYCHO tone accompanied by really weird bizarre background music that sounded like weird bizarre menacing cellos.
“No…a bath would be fine,” said Joe, nervously sliding his hand over his gun.
“Do you want to meet my mom? She is dead!” said Bates.
“Ummm…we all have our own dead mamas, and the bath would be just fine,” said Adam, shoving his brothers out of the lobby.
The Cartwright brothers stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around seeing the sights.
While sipping his tequila, Adam noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
Hoss asked the waiter, “What is that you just served over there?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! “
Joe rolled his eyes.
Adam snickered “I’ll buy if you boys will dine.”
The Hoss, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”
“Me too!” said Joe.
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senores. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you a portion of this wonderful delicacy!”
The next morning, the cowboys returned, placed an order.
“We‘ll share one platter,” said Adam to his brothers.
“One platter for all!” said Joe.
“Share and share alike is the Cartwright way!” agreed Hoss.
That evening the Cartwrights were served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of the platter, Adam called to the waiter.
Adam said, “These are delicious, but they seem much, much smaller than the ones we saw you served yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
The Death of Will Cartwright
Since marrying Laura Dayton, poor Will Cartwright had lost 50 lbs, had blistering rashes and frequent night sweats. He couldn’t walk more than ten feet without falling down.
He had to work 17 jobs to support his new family. Not only was he supporting Laura and Peggy, but Aunt Lil had moved in on them as well. None of the women worked and expected Will to provide them with a lavish lifestyle and servants. After all, Will was the nephew of Cattle Baron Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa. What Lil and Laura hadn’t realized that Will wanted to make it on his own and was poor as a church mouse.
Greedy lazy Laura regretted dumping Adam Cartwright for Will and even forced her new husband to dress in black like Adam if he wanted to have sex.
Finally Will became so sick he turned pasty white with a yellow undertone indicative of jaundice, and Ben Cartwright was wired to see his nephew before he died. Ben brought a special specialist from the special disease hospital.
After his checkup, the doctor sent Ben to sit with Will and called Laura and Lil into the other room alone. He spoke directly to Laura. “Your husband, Will is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress having to deal with all your whining. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“He will die?” Laura whined.
“Yes, he will die! Each morning, fix him a fine healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and cheerful, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work when he is able. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t whine, don’t complain. Make Lil move out. And most of all, quit making him wear black clothes and dress like his cousin Adam. Why would you do that?”
“Well doctor,” said Laura, “It makes me more romantic.”
“To hell with that. Just treat him well and do what the poor man asks of you in a wifely way.”
Lil rolled her eyes. She decided to run out to the local insurance agent and take out a live insurance policy on Will.
“Don’t discuss your problems with him, either of you; it will only make his stress worse. Make sure that whiney Peggy gets that pony out of the house as well. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to take it easy and all of you to your part to contribute to his welfare.”
“And, most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
After the doctor left, Ben asked Laura, “What did the doctor say?”
“Will is going to die,” she replied.